Note: This has been edited.*
I'm so fascinated by this. There's a part of me that read this and was like, "Yes!" This is how I feel it should work...
And there's a part of me that read this and felt… wrong.
Not because it's my responsibility to fix anyone on my journey. I'm actually pleased to let go of anyone after showing up as fully and as healthily as I know how in the moments I have with them. What hurts more is the collapse of relationships with those who try to convince me they have my back and that our connection is growth-oriented when our dynamic proves unhealthy or even toxic for me.
Sometimes, I discover that the main driver of their attempts at growth is the rejection of their shadow. We fail to function together not because of their flaws, but because they're not making peace with the fullness of who they are and have been. They displace their responsibility for harm because they’re afraid of and rejecting the pain they have felt and caused.
They don't bring light to their shadow; they run from their insecurities in search of a "better" version of themselves. I can't love all of who they are because they don't love all of who they are. In fact, they hate some aspects of themselves. And they feel compelled to pretend to be someone or something else to be worthy in the eyes of others. So, understandably, acceptance threatens that paradigm. It seems that I'm invalidating the work they are or aren't doing because I accept all of them, with or without it.
This doesn't make them bad, although it does mean they likely aren't part of MY long-term journey. And that's a little sad. I love deeply and easily. It's not being rejected that hurts me when this happens, whether it's a friend or a lover. It's the sense that my inability to communicate has harmed the other person. But I make peace with the fact that in each moment, I can only do what I am capable of recognizing and choosing.
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July 13, 2023 I'd also like to add:
Trauma bonding is not actually bonding over shared trauma, though interestingly enough in my experience, shared trauma has been a factor in some of these experiences in my own life. Trauma bonding is a clinical term for abusive cycles between two individuals that erode boundaries and establish dependency or codependency. These dynamics are most common in romantic relationships but can exist in friendships, familial relationships, and workplace dynamics.
Trauma bonding has seven distinct stages that involve:
1. Love bombing - The abusive party gives excessive praise and flattery.
(Are they simply nice and complimentary? Do they like you, or do they need you to like them?)
2. Trust & dependency - The abusive party does whatever it takes to gain the trust and dependence of the abused party.
(Set boundaries and watch out for behavior that is too generous or intimate. Did you offer to hold space for them, or did they trauma dump on you and make it awkward to discuss boundaries around appropriate intimacy for the stage of the relationship you're in?)
3. Criticism - The abusive party blames and criticizes the abused party to damage or destroy self-esteem, self-worth, and agency.
(Watch out for people who can't seem to express their displeasure without placing the blame outside of themselves. They don't dislike your behavior; they think you behave improperly.)
4. Gaslighting & manipulation - The abusive party gaslights and manipulates the abused party, making them doubt that the behavior is toxic, unhealthy, or even inappropriate. They may even try to convince them that it's not happening.
(Watch out for people who never seem to remember what they've done wrong, don't apologize, and can't handle discussing situations that don't paint them in a favorable light or feel compelled to deflect or shift blame onto you or someone else. Claiming that your behavior validates the abuse is incredibly toxic.)
5. Addiction / Resignation - The abused party finds themselves attached or addicted to the highs of love bombing or resigned to the idea that the dynamic is what they deserve. It could be both.
6. Loss of Self - The abused party forgets/loses their sense of self-worth (some incredibly vulnerable people start with low or even no self esteem) and their identity outside of the relationship.
(Check in with yourself: If you feel you cannot live or survive without someone as a part of your life, is it because of the good things they do and have done for you, or is it because of the promises they make and the way they talk to you outside of the harm and pain they inflict? Are you respected? Does your community approve of the way this person treats you only because they don't know what negatives of your relationship are really like?)
7. Resignation & Submission - The abused party gives in to avoid conflict and please their abuser.
(If you find yourself walking on eggshells around someone or lying to avoid the negative consequences of their foul moods, or if you're afraid of how they'll react to the truth or punish you, these are red flags.)
How does a trauma bond begin?
1. Abuse - Emotional, physical, sexual, or psychological abuse occurs.
2. Manipulation/gaslighting - The abusing party convinces the abused to accept whatever happened as an act of love or convinces them that they deserved this treatment. (If there is shared trauma, here is frequently where our similarities make us vulnerable to forgiving transgressed boundaries or susceptible to the violence of the abusing party. They may be punishing the parts of the victim that remind them of themselves. This is context for the treatment, but not an excuse.)
3. Cycle begins - The abused individual hopes that the situation will get better, but instead, the abuse persists, evolves, and/or intensifies (e.g., transitioning from emotional to physical, from physical to sexual).
The real cruelty of trauma bonding is that it preys on one's capacity to hope, forgive, and care. Until one can establish self-love and boundaries that allow them to prevent or end the attachment and/or enmeshment that make these relationships hard to leave, they will remain vulnerable to these dynamics. If communities do not hold the abusive individuals accountable, the behaviors will persist. And if the original trauma bond comes from developmental relationships, the cycle may feel impossible to break because the individual doesn't know what healthy, supportive dynamics truly look like. It's important to teach ourselves and our loved ones to establish dynamics where vulnerability leads to healing and growth in intimacy, rather than abuse and harm.
If you need help or resources, call 800.799.SAFE (7233) if you believe your internet usage is being monitored; otherwise, visit thehotline.org.
Thanks for taking the time. If this taught you anything or you think it might help someone you love, please share it.
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